Sunday, September 27, 2009

TRYING TO MOVE FORWARD


Life has taken some turns for me - I have been gone for so long that I noticed not many of my friends keep a blog/journal any longer - that saddens my heart. I tried to keep up with everyone - but I let my personal life run my life--let me explain. I know that things will happen and one must take care of things - but those things were running my life….my mind became so consumed by “what will happen next” that I no longer had the capability to move forward with m
y own life - instead I worried about everything else. Am I making any sense yet? Last Thanksgiving things took a drastic change - my brother and the police found my dad kicking my mother (who was on the ground) and he was totally unresponsive. Dementia hit him hard and fast…yes there were little signs - but now he is not coming back--then my brother had to find a place that could take care of dad and a place were my mom can live on….he did and he had to make hard decisions. I had no part in any of it - but I am thinking now that it was probably a good idea that I did not --because I do not think I could have found the strength to find all the help and take care of all the personal things that my parents needed done. My brother is extremely emotionally detached…and he is able to keep a level head so much more easier then me. Now the months following - my mother would call daily crying to me how lonely she was - how much she wanted to be with my dad - how much no one loves her…and the list went on…every phone call I tried to reassure her that life was good and dad needed the special care and she was very well loved and cared about….that is when it hit me to send my mom flowers to just say I love you….so since she moved into this senior citizen complex - I have sent her flowers once a month. She is in heaven. Her phone calls are happy and excited because she received beautiful flowers and her “neighbors” became more friendly because they saw flowers always getting delivered. The last month of my dad’s life was very stressful for her - she noticed he was going down hill - his verbal skills were non-existent….he also was no longer responding to her like he was. Then he finally closed his eyes and God saw fit to give him his final peace. My mom misses him tremendously but she also said that she is blessed that the last few months of his life they were not in the same house - because she felt it would have been harder for her. I thought I would be able to handle things better - I am wrong. First I saw my mom after a couple of years of not being around (even tho we talk every week) and she looked VERY unstable on her feet….she could not sit still for more then 5 minutes …. Always seemed nervous. I felt so bad because I just do not know how to help her. I still send her flowers of course - but you can just tell that her life is so very empty without my dad. They made it to 60 years together - that in itself is a true blessing. I should feel blessed for all the wonderful memories I have of my dad - of all the help he gave me when I was a single mom - for everything…. But I feel such a loss that I cannot call him and just say “Hi Old Man-Watcha Doing?”. That leaves me sad and empty--and causes me to cry. I really miss him. At the funeral I felt very left out of everything…I guess that is my own fault…but very disconnected nonetheless. There was no warm feelings from my siblings - no support - nothing. I tried to reach out but I was quickly ignored in a snobbish way. I think my siblings would have preferred that I was not there--that I never showed up because I really did not belong. We were going to stay the night just to visit with everyone but I quickly got the feeling I was not welcomed…and so I have not heard from any of my family down there since then. My dad (I believe) was my connection with my siblings since he lived down near them and now that he is gone - there is no reason for them to stay in touch with me. I miss my dad - I knew it would be hard on me when he died - I knew that I would be the one who would have to problem of moving on--but God I miss him. I am trying to get back to what little a normal life I used to have…but I cannot seem to concentrate and I definitely do not have the motivation. I am slowly reaching out to peeps I used to visit in blog land, friends, etc…but it really is taking me a long time to feel OK to do any of that. Hopefully this is the start to something positive --at least something of a sign of moving forward. Thanks for stopping by - HUG those you LOVE - because Life is way too short~!~ PEACE!!!!

12 comments:

Suzie the Foodie said...

Oh Ellie, there is so much of your story I can relate to but not speak of for privacy sake but I am sorry about the loss of you father who in some ways you lost a long time ago. Dementia is one of the cruelest things in life ever, I know. I am lucky to have siblings that I am close but know that it is very rare and you need to focus on your own family and life if you are not welcome with others. So beautiful, to send flowers to you Mom.

Tabby said...

Hi Ellie,

My heart goes out to you dear lady. The pain can be so over whelming. I am sorry how distant you siblings have been and for your mom's sadness not to mention your own. Life throw's us some curves but in time I pray it will get better for you. I am glad you are back. Hugs and prayers of comfort to you!

Lisa Leonard said...

hi Ellie! sending a big hug your way too. sounds like you are in the thick of it. xoxo

Marilyn said...

Ellie,

I truly know all about loosing family members. It was very hard for me when I lost my sister. It's been 16 years and I still have trouble talking about her sometimes. Time will get easier I know it's not easy for you to see that right now. Just need to take it one step at a time. You still have friends here. I'm always around most of the time. We use to really enjoy our chats together. Life does throw us a curve when we least expect it. I'll be keeping you in my prayers. Sure hope to see you online for a nice long chat. I really miss you!!!!! Love you!!!!

Dawn said...

Ellie...

I am really sorry for your loss. Being very close to my parents, I can't imagine! It must awfully hard. But, neither of your parents would want you to stop living your life. The best way to honor them is to move forward and live and love. I am sorry that your siblings are so cold to you but lean on your friends.

Glad to see you blogging!

be well...

LYN said...

SO GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU!

Anke Martin said...

Hi Ellie, I'm so sorry to hear you dad died...even it was the best for him with Dementia. Grieving is a tough thing and I can only slightly imagine how devastating it must be to loose a parent, doesn't matter how old and sick they were. That's what I'm scared of too.
And that you can't reconnect to your sibling must make it even harder....I hope you find a way together again, even it's not easy.
I send you a really big hug and lot's of strength! And I'm sure it takes its time till you feel better with the facts and all what had happened.....keep on going though! You are stronger than you think!
Lot's of smiles your way! Anke ;)

One Sassy Girl said...

Oh dear, you've had some hard times indeed. That's tragic about your dad. Try to be strong and see the good in every day... or just try drinking. Okay, kidding (sort of) but really, when life hands you lemons, make lemoncello?

xx, best wishes in getting through this tough time.

Coelha :B said...

((( Ellie ))) Sending you warm thoughts! Keep positive-life will not be the same without your dad, but life does go on. You'll be okay, and life is still good! Hugs- Julie

magicalmusings said...

Sorry for all your sorrow and upset lately. Try to keep a good attitude and find things of joy everyday. Glad you found me. I had problems with switching blogs and people not finding me but I think there are some that have. I accidentally deleted my other blog too early before I switched and that was not good. :(

Abbie said...

Hi Ellie,
Oh you poor sweetheart! I knew something horrible had happened when we no longer heard fom you.. but of course has no idea what. Life can be so cruel to us sometimes. I am proud of you for reaching out and trying to start a new. Many of us are still here.. I hope that in time you can find a peace with your mom and your father.
Hugs,
Abbie

Sugar said...

this past yr has been a hard one for you, my friend. am sorry to hear about it all.
may your dad r.i.p.
sending prayers to you & yours, may God bless.
huggies...