Friday, June 19, 2009

LOOK WHO IS BACK!!

YES - it is me - LONG TIME NO SEE!!!
I am sorry - I truly do not mean to disappear but fighting severe chronic depression has not been easy - especially since I no longer take meds for it (but I already explained all that last year). I hope I have NOT hurt anyone's feelings by disappearing -(if I did - please know I am sorry from the bottom of my heart) it was NOT my intention - I just could NOT get my head wrapped around the idea of blogging or just talking to anyone or answering email. I know that might sound selfish - but just the thought of doing any of that gave me such panic attacks I just withdrew more and more. I have NOT left my house (not even gone outside) since last fall I think. I just can't...the thought of it sends me to tears. I truly HATE being like this...and I am trying to not hate myself excessively for being like this.
I have not even done any creating - all those art supplies and the great craft table my hunnie made for me - and all the plans and ideas I had -nothing.
God Bless my family - because they have truly hung in there with me - I so feel for them.
WELL - here is a fast catch up - what made me take a nose dive emotionally is right after Thanksgiving - I got a phone call from my mom - saying my dad beat her and the police where called and they found him kicking her (she was on the ground)... to make a VERY long story short - my dad after a few days had no memory of doing that to my mother - but this had been the second attack in almost 3 years....turns out my brother had the doctors run some MRI's and my dad has dementia - after they had my dad in the hospital for about a month - my brother had to get power of attorney and put my dad in a facility that caters to dementia patients and he put my mom in an assisted living facility about a mile from my dad - my mom could not stay in their apartment because she panicked and just screamed in terror - now without my dad with her she has gone into deep depression and just wants to die now....she believes that she is in a place where old people go when their families do not want them anymore! It has been a horrendous battle and it has only added to the friction between my brother and I - we just do not talk - he does not call me to tell me what is going on...but neither does my sister for that matter...Just as a side note - I did offer my mom to come stay with me but she wants to be near my dad and I totally understand that...my dad has now gotten to the point that he is starting to not recognize anyone - etc - so the past 6 months have been hell. I do call my mom - and starting at the beginning of this year I started sending my mom a bouquet of flowers every month - huge ones - so it lasts her the whole month until the next one comes - it has helped with her depression and it shares some flowers with a friend she has made at the place - so this is good - every time the flowers arrive -she calls me and you can hear the joy in her voice - that just thrills me. I have also noticed she does not speak of negativity as much - more positive! The doctors have told my mom over and over that dad cannot leave because he will definitely hurt her again..it is just crazy!!!
I have cried constantly over this - I am so terrified of leaving my house - I cannot go see them (at least I can talk to my mother) but I cannot talk to my dad - they are not allowed phone calls...all of this is just tearing me up.
OKAY - that is all I am capable of writing about that for now - maybe more later! I do ask that if you pray - PLEASE pray for my parents --I would so appreciate it!
I have also had quite a lot of dealings with WC (workman's comp). It seems every few months they get a bug up their butts and they screw with me--according to my lawyer they do this to everyone - just to see if anyone wants to get off the program so they do not have to pay anymore--unbelievable.
First it was paperwork - some mix up so they stopped paying me - a little section on some paper said only sign here if you have worked...so I did not sign because I have not worked - so when they received the paperwork they stopped paying me because they said I had to sign that little section - I said no because the way it is written it says If I have worked to sign there and I have not....they said I had to - so it went to the lawyers - and I was right and they had to change the wording but in the meantime I did not get paid until the entire issue was resolved.
Now I canceled an appointment with the lung specialist because he had ordered several different tests for me but WC denied the tests....and the doc said I needed them before our next appointment...so I have been fighting them and they will not approve them...because I did not show up for the appointment - I am in noncompliance and they suspended all of my care...including the oxygen - meds everything - so now I have made another appointment and will have to go just to hear that he needs the tests--what a damn vicious circle - cannot win for losing. This issue just got resolved yesterday - so we will see what happens.
But all that garbage just adds so much stress to me and that only adds to my anxiety.
Now the good news is that at the beginning of this month - I started digitally painting again - I am taking things one slow small step at a time - but it was so nice to create again - see what I painted....

The daughter finished her first year of college - had lots of trouble with math - but did very well otherwise - she is quite proud of herself as so am I...time just flew by with that first year.
My son AJ moved back home temporarily while he attends EMT school so that he can upgrade his credentials (he is already a firefighter).. he should be done in august-hopefully he will find a great group after that. My other son Eric who is deployed is doing well - his deployment ends in November--I think he might be coming state side - I look forward to seeing him here.
Of course - June 1st started hurricane season - geez - the heat and humidity is already getting out of control - we already have had days of over 100 degrees with the heat index...I just cannot breathe in that kind of heat! It is definitely going to be a long summer!
So how was all that for catching up on news....I hope I did not bore anyone - AGAIN I am sorry for missing in action - it does feel good to be back - I will take things one day at a time...and see where it leads me.
Remember to HUG those you LOVE - Life is so short.........PEACE~!~


11 comments:

Coelha :B said...

Wow Ellie... Don't apoligize for not blogging...you have had a lot on your plate! Hugs & prayers to you! Julie

Sugar said...

please don't apologise for being "m.i.a.".
when you're sick, or joust don't feel like blogging, then it's best to take a break. we all understand, as we all have to do it from time to time.
ty for the nice long update.
will certainly keep you, & your family in my prayers.
huggies...

Winivere said...

Welcome back, El. Hope everything turns out better for you.
XX,
Winivere

Carlene Noggle said...

Ellie, it is so darn good to hear from you again!!! I am so happy to know that you are blogging again too! Thanks for coming by mine and leaving a comment. Hope all works out for the good.
love ya,
carlene

Anke said...

Ellie! It's so great to hear from you again. Don't worry, I figured your health was preventing you from being with us in blogger world. Totally understand it, I was just hoping you were doing kind of ok all the time.
So sorry to hear about all the bad happenings. No wonder your depression got worse...that is sure a lot to take even if you don't suffer with depresssion. Dementia is a severe condition and it must be heartbreaking to see your parent kind of vanish into it. My grandpa had dementia as well and I know it's not easy to deal with it. My dad's family broke over it apart too....life can be so weird sometimes.
So for now, I'm looking forward to see you back in blogger land, missed you! Enjoy creating again and take it easy, fingers crossed your Company finally gets some punsihment for trying to screw poeple up.......that is sure a really annoying thing, especially if you depent on treatment!
So, I send you lot's of strength and power to you, big hug and lot's of smiles, Anke ;)

LYN said...

WOW MAN...YOU SURE HAVE A LOT GOING ON...I AM TRULY SORRY FOR YOUR DEPRESSION...I SUFFER FROM IT MILDLY FROM TIME TO TIME AND CAN ONLY IMAGINE HOW IT MUST BE TO HAVE TO THE DEGREE THAT YOU DO...AND ABOUT YOUR APRENTS..THAT WOULD TEAR ME APART TOO...I WILL CERTAINY PRAY FOR THEM HUNNY...AREN'T YOU IN FLORIDA TOO?? THIS HEAT IS SOMETHING ELSE GIRL!!

mrsb said...

Glad to see you posting :O) Always remember that we are here for you if/when you need us!

I'm sorry your family has gone through such a hard time. I've suffered on and off from depression, anxiety and agoraphobia for years (thank heavens for therapy and meds!), so I have a lot of empathy for what you are going through.

I'm sending your parents and you big prayers and positive thoughts!

((hugs))

Firefly Hill said...

Hi Ellie!
I was so glad to hear from you! I am sorry to read about all that you are going through...it just sounds very stressful. I hope things get better for you soon...
I will be thinking of you.

annie

Leah said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry for all the pain you've been dealing with in your life right now!! Sending loads of love and hugs to you and your family!!

I'm glad to see you back! xoxo

Tabby said...

Hi Ellie,

I am so sorry for these horrible things that have happened these past months. I can understand your pain and sadness as I am feeling in my life right now. I am glad you are writing again and hopefully we will both have more to be cheery about very soon.
Hugs

Kelly said...

goodness gracious, ellie. hang in there sweetie. you've got a lot going on. know you and your family and in my thoughts and prayers. hugs...kelly