GIVEAWAY FOR A BIRTHDAY

I just wanted to share some fun news - let you all get in on the fun, Aimee from Creative Flutter, is having a giveaway celebrating her own birthday!!! There are some wonderful prizes listed - so check it out for yourself!!! You Never Know---Click Here-CREATIVE FLUTTER

TRYING TO MOVE FORWARD

Life has taken some turns for me - I have been gone for so long that I noticed not many of my friends keep a blog/journal any longer - that saddens my heart. I tried to keep up with everyone - but I let my personal life run my life--let me explain. I know that things will happen and one must take care of things - but those things were running my life….my mind became so consumed by “what will happen next” that I no longer had the capability to move forward with my own life - instead I worried about everything else. Am I making any sense yet? Last Thanksgiving things took a drastic change - my brother and the police found my dad kicking my mother (who was on the ground) and he was totally unresponsive. Dementia hit him hard and fast…yes there were little signs - but now he is not coming back--then my brother had to find a place that could take care of dad and a place were my mom can live on….he did and he had to make hard decisions. I had no part in any of it - but I am thinking now that it was probably a good idea that I did not --because I do not think I could have found the strength to find all the help and take care of all the personal things that my parents needed done. My brother is extremely emotionally detached…and he is able to keep a level head so much more easier then me. Now the months following - my mother would call daily crying to me how lonely she was - how much she wanted to be with my dad - how much no one loves her…and the list went on…every phone call I tried to reassure her that life was good and dad needed the special care and she was very well loved and cared about….that is when it hit me to send my mom flowers to just say I love you….so since she moved into this senior citizen complex - I have sent her flowers once a month. She is in heaven. Her phone calls are happy and excited because she received beautiful flowers and her “neighbors” became more friendly because they saw flowers always getting delivered. The last month of my dad’s life was very stressful for her - she noticed he was going down hill - his verbal skills were non-existent….he also was no longer responding to her like he was. Then he finally closed his eyes and God saw fit to give him his final peace. My mom misses him tremendously but she also said that she is blessed that the last few months of his life they were not in the same house - because she felt it would have been harder for her. I thought I would be able to handle things better - I am wrong. First I saw my mom after a couple of years of not being around (even tho we talk every week) and she looked VERY unstable on her feet….she could not sit still for more then 5 minutes …. Always seemed nervous. I felt so bad because I just do not know how to help her. I still send her flowers of course - but you can just tell that her life is so very empty without my dad. They made it to 60 years together - that in itself is a true blessing. I should feel blessed for all the wonderful memories I have of my dad - of all the help he gave me when I was a single mom - for everything…. But I feel such a loss that I cannot call him and just say “Hi Old Man-Watcha Doing?”. That leaves me sad and empty--and causes me to cry. I really miss him. At the funeral I felt very left out of everything…I guess that is my own fault…but very disconnected nonetheless. There was no warm feelings from my siblings - no support - nothing. I tried to reach out but I was quickly ignored in a snobbish way. I think my siblings would have preferred that I was not there--that I never showed up because I really did not belong. We were going to stay the night just to visit with everyone but I quickly got the feeling I was not welcomed…and so I have not heard from any of my family down there since then. My dad (I believe) was my connection with my siblings since he lived down near them and now that he is gone - there is no reason for them to stay in touch with me. I miss my dad - I knew it would be hard on me when he died - I knew that I would be the one who would have to problem of moving on--but God I miss him. I am trying to get back to what little a normal life I used to have…but I cannot seem to concentrate and I definitely do not have the motivation. I am slowly reaching out to peeps I used to visit in blog land, friends, etc…but it really is taking me a long time to feel OK to do any of that. Hopefully this is the start to something positive --at least something of a sign of moving forward. Thanks for stopping by - HUG those you LOVE - because Life is way too short~!~ PEACE!!!!

BREAKING MY HEART

This says it all - I am still trying to come to terms with it....
My mind has been swirling and non stop -
God I miss him already~!~

I LOVE YOU DAD

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY-FLORIDA SUNSET

At the end of the day - every day - the most soothing sight I could possibly look at is a Florida sunset. To me - it just closes the day so peacefully!! So I am sharing my sunset with you. Enjoy~!~
Thanks For Visiting ~~~PEACE!!

THANKFUL THURSDAY

I have discovered that my life is quite uneventful for the most part and I do not have
a lot to write about.
There are some dull moments daily - there are so many random thoughts that go through
my mind that it is hard for me to just settle on one and write about it....my mind seems to never
stop.
In those crazy thoughts - random as they may be - are struggles for me to just function
in some way every single day. I think I would depress too many peeps if I let you
all into those thoughts.
It is quite the struggle to just get up every single day - and this is after only a couple
of hours sleep....then it becomes a struggle to actually hold a conversation with anyone....
then it becomes a struggle to deal with whatever life throws my way (as minuet as that may be).
Then at the end of the day - struggling with trying to sleep...I think insomnia and I
have become good friends.

So today I think I will stick with being THANKFUL...
yes it is that day in the week in witch at least I think about being Thankful.

1-I am thankful for getting up today...that is a step forward
2-I am thankful that I am slowly getting back to creating...feels good to complete
a piece.
3-I am SO VERY THANKFUL for my family and friends who have hung in there with me.
I know living with me is insane!

Well enough of my ramblings - Thanks For Stopping By!
Remember To HUG everyone who LOVE......PEACE~!~

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY - GIANT MOTH

Typical Giant Moth found in florida - this one in my kitchen -
when they fly - it looks like it is carrying luggage - lol
It is a bit larger in dimension as the circumference of a can of soda.
When it flight, of course, it is larger!
I have never seen moths this big but here it is~!~
Thanks For Stopping By ~~ PEACE!!

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY - ATHENA

I am going to try and do a wordless wednesday every week.... just sharing a pic or two that do not need a lot of explanation...just sharing. My baby Athena - one of eight rotties - she is all mine - great personality - a mother to everyone and anyone...and has some "junk in her trunk" - LOL.
Thanks for stopping by - PEACE!!!

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY

I just wanted to take this opportunity to wish all the dads out there a very HAPPY FATHER'S DAY - but most of all to my dad--I know he would not recognize me right now - I wish things were back to how they used to be 5 years ago - when all was well - and we used to hang out on sundays....but I just wanted to say how much I LOVE YOU DAD...Thanks for everything you have ever done for me - Thanks for making life so beautiful for me - Thanks for just being you - I miss you immensely and need you - for now I just pray that
God hold you so close to his heart - HAPPY FATHER'S DAY daddy -

Below is a poem I found - could not find one that really hit home but I really like the story in it...have a beautiful day~!~

Father's Day Game Delay


He sat and watched the baseball game like every Father's Day,
His kids were grown and all moved out and lived so far away.
He knew one at a time would call and they would always say,
"Hi Dad . . . I just called to wish you Happy Father's Day."

His wife had passed some years ago, now he lived all alone,
So now the highlight of this day was waiting by the phone.
The game would start at 1 PM when he would hear "Play ball."
And he knew by the last inning that all of them would call.

When they would call it would be short and few words would be spoken,
He wondered if on Father's Day their calls were just a token.
He loved his children and he knew that they all loved him too,
But it seemed that they had drifted as kids often do.

They get so caught up in their lives, so busy all the time,
And don't give him a second thought because they know he's fine.
He sees them maybe twice a year around the holidays,
It's hard to get together as they've all gone separate ways.

At least they do remember him if just a little call,
And remember that he's here just watching his baseball.
So as he sits and waits for them, the game is growing long.
It is the seventh inning and no calls; there's something wrong.

Deep in thought of what had happened with no way to tell,
He was jolted from his thoughts by sounds of his doorbell.
He quickly got up from his chair it caught him by surprise,
And when he opened up the door could not believe his eyes.

A man was standing at the door and smiled and called his name,
And he replied "Why, yes, that's me. I am one and the same."
Then, "Happy Father's Day to you, now I am on my way."
And then he handed him a huge and beautiful bouquet.

He just stood and stared at them while standing at the door,
No one had ever sent him flowers in his life before.
He thought someone had made an error on delivery,
He took the flowers in and opened up the card to see.

He opened up the little card to see what it would say,
And as he read the first line it said "Happy Father's Day!"
"It's from the kids," he softly said, "now this is a surprise."
And as he read the little card the tears filled up his eyes.

Dad you know we always call you on this special day,
But it's so hard for all of us to find the words to say,
To tell you Dad how much we love you just for being you,
So this year we all got the idea to try something new.

Flowers are the ultimate expression to show love,
Flowers are the special gift when you are thinking of,
Someone who is precious and means all the world to you,
Nothing else says "I love you" the way that flowers do.

So place them somewhere you can see and smell the sweet bouquet,
Because the flowers represent what we all want to say.
We love you Dad with all our hearts and this is just our way,
To tell you this and hope you have the greatest Father's Day.

He put the little card aside and smiled and wiped his eyes,
The tears were running down his cheeks because of his surprise.
His heart was overflowing with the love behind their plan,
Flowers say "I love you" even when sent to a man.

LOOK WHO IS BACK!!

YES - it is me - LONG TIME NO SEE!!!

I am sorry - I truly do not mean to disappear but fighting severe chronic depression has not been easy - especially since I no longer take meds for it (but I already explained all that last year). I hope I have NOT hurt anyone's feelings by disappearing -(if I did - please know I am sorry from the bottom of my heart) it was NOT my intention - I just could NOT get my head wrapped around the idea of blogging or just talking to anyone or answering email. I know that might sound selfish - but just the thought of doing any of that gave me such panic attacks I just withdrew more and more. I have NOT left my house (not even gone outside) since last fall I think. I just can't...the thought of it sends me to tears. I truly HATE being like this...and I am trying to not hate myself excessively for being like this.

I have not even done any creating - all those art supplies and the great craft table my hunnie made for me - and all the plans and ideas I had -nothing.

God Bless my family - because they have truly hung in there with me - I so feel for them.

WELL - here is a fast catch up - what made me take a nose dive emotionally is right after Thanksgiving - I got a phone call from my mom - saying my dad beat her and the police where called and they found him kicking her (she was on the ground)... to make a VERY long story short - my dad after a few days had no memory of doing that to my mother - but this had been the second attack in almost 3 years....turns out my brother had the doctors run some MRI's and my dad has dementia - after they had my dad in the hospital for about a month - my brother had to get power of attorney and put my dad in a facility that caters to dementia patients and he put my mom in an assisted living facility about a mile from my dad - my mom could not stay in their apartment because she panicked and just screamed in terror - now without my dad with her she has gone into deep depression and just wants to die now....she believes that she is in a place where old people go when their families do not want them anymore! It has been a horrendous battle and it has only added to the friction between my brother and I - we just do not talk - he does not call me to tell me what is going on...but neither does my sister for that matter...Just as a side note - I did offer my mom to come stay with me but she wants to be near my dad and I totally understand that...my dad has now gotten to the point that he is starting to not recognize anyone - etc - so the past 6 months have been hell. I do call my mom - and starting at the beginning of this year I started sending my mom a bouquet of flowers every month - huge ones - so it lasts her the whole month until the next one comes - it has helped with her depression and it shares some flowers with a friend she has made at the place - so this is good - every time the flowers arrive -she calls me and you can hear the joy in her voice - that just thrills me. I have also noticed she does not speak of negativity as much - more positive! The doctors have told my mom over and over that dad cannot leave because he will definitely hurt her again..it is just crazy!!!

I have cried constantly over this - I am so terrified of leaving my house - I cannot go see them (at least I can talk to my mother) but I cannot talk to my dad - they are not allowed phone calls...all of this is just tearing me up.

OKAY - that is all I am capable of writing about that for now - maybe more later! I do ask that if you pray - PLEASE pray for my parents --I would so appreciate it!

I have also had quite a lot of dealings with WC (workman's comp). It seems every few months they get a bug up their butts and they screw with me--according to my lawyer they do this to everyone - just to see if anyone wants to get off the program so they do not have to pay anymore--unbelievable.

First it was paperwork - some mix up so they stopped paying me - a little section on some paper said only sign here if you have worked...so I did not sign because I have not worked - so when they received the paperwork they stopped paying me because they said I had to sign that little section - I said no because the way it is written it says If I have worked to sign there and I have not....they said I had to - so it went to the lawyers - and I was right and they had to change the wording but in the meantime I did not get paid until the entire issue was resolved.

Now I canceled an appointment with the lung specialist because he had ordered several different tests for me but WC denied the tests....and the doc said I needed them before our next appointment...so I have been fighting them and they will not approve them...because I did not show up for the appointment - I am in noncompliance and they suspended all of my care...including the oxygen - meds everything - so now I have made another appointment and will have to go just to hear that he needs the tests--what a damn vicious circle - cannot win for losing. This issue just got resolved yesterday - so we will see what happens.

But all that garbage just adds so much stress to me and that only adds to my anxiety.

Now the good news is that at the beginning of this month - I started digitally painting again - I am taking things one slow small step at a time - but it was so nice to create again - see what I painted....

The daughter finished her first year of college - had lots of trouble with math - but did very well otherwise - she is quite proud of herself as so am I...time just flew by with that first year.

My son AJ moved back home temporarily while he attends EMT school so that he can upgrade his credentials (he is already a firefighter).. he should be done in august-hopefully he will find a great group after that. My other son Eric who is deployed is doing well - his deployment ends in November--I think he might be coming state side - I look forward to seeing him here.

Of course - June 1st started hurricane season - geez - the heat and humidity is already getting out of control - we already have had days of over 100 degrees with the heat index...I just cannot breathe in that kind of heat! It is definitely going to be a long summer!

So how was all that for catching up on news....I hope I did not bore anyone - AGAIN I am sorry for missing in action - it does feel good to be back - I will take things one day at a time...and see where it leads me.

Remember to HUG those you LOVE - Life is so short.........PEACE~!~